The truth is, so much of me wants to say no.
No, I cannot go through with this.
No, I am terrified.
No, I’m too scared.
No, I don’t like this place.
No, I will miss my family.
It’s one of the better mixes of emotions I think I have ever felt in my thirty-two years of existence. I love this man so deeply, that I cannot even express such things on a daily basis. I’m too scared. I’m too scared of loving him too much.
Well, in this instant I love him that much, in a tortured way. It literally hits me like a bomb. I’m disoriented.
I don’t know how to process that my whole self is being pulled in two directions. He can’t hold my hand on this one. His eyes are pleading with me to just hang on for a couple more hours. He wants me to see this through.
He has to let me decide, even though, he so clearly has made up his own mind.
We are almost always on the same page.
I need to be on it with him.
Tears, there are tears forming in my eyes as I sit down in attempt to gather myself.
He’s looking at me, waiting. He wants to know what’s happening inside. But the truth is, I don’t really know. Both physically and mentally, I am feeling abominable. How is it that what I want to say, can be so contradictory to what I feel certain is right? He knows me to boot, and is aware of my internal havoc. He has little to say.
I attempt to explain my thoughts. I do my best to annotate my doubts. I do not, however, share it all. Because it’s just not possible when your emotions are all hitting you like flying saucers. What’s killing me the most is that I just cannot fathom denying my perpetual best friend, happiness.
He gets in the shower, I cry more. Grabbing my phone, I frantically text my mom. She’ll know what to do. I know she’ll give me the push I am so frantically searching for. I don’t want my message to be this dark. I don’t foresee this happening. Her advice as always, is the truth. My mom and I know that if Ben is kindly implying that he would like me to accompany him to drinks, I have to do it. This is something that has yet to occur, until this night. I head to the bathroom and avert my eyes. It is excruciating to look at him when I am skeptical about each step of this day. Shower, freshen, dress. Let’s go.
When I encounter these two men, it’s prominent. A great deal unfolds in just the few hours we sit. Me, with my water. My husband, with his whiskey.
By the time I realize I must lie down, I get in the elevator and I am alone. It’s apparent that he has found his next journey. It’s clear why it was imperative for me to meet them. Collaborating with these individuals as leaders, and as people, is truly meant to be. Most things can be put into words; this is not one of them.
Understanding what I see now, means loving him. Loving him so much, that I cannot let my fears stand in his way. His happiness must lead us to shared happiness.
He stays with the guys as I lay in bed, eyes closed but mind running.
Hashtag, my truth.